Vicky Heath

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The carpark seemed surprisingly deserted for a heritage property with an award-winning tea room. Indeed, the only other vehicle that Sunday afternoon was a white minibus of the kind used by care homes and grassroots sports clubs.

Roger had just parked when five figures wearing monastic hooded cloaks suddenly emerged from the minibus.

“Perhaps it’s a local re-enactment group,” he suggested.

The cosplay monks began to march in single file towards the crumbling abbey steps, accompanied by the insistent beat of Fleetwood Mac’s Tusk playing on an ancient boombox.

“Quick, we should follow them,” his wife Marion exclaimed. “They might know where the cafe is.”

They eventually caught up with the congregation of monks in the cloister, gathered around a pentagram chalked onto its wonky stone floor. A caged goat bleated along in time to the music.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Roger butted in. “Could you point us in the direction of the tea room?”

“We’re about to start our ritual sacrifice,” one of the monks snapped at him.

“And we need to be done by four,” said another. “This place becomes a magnet for doggers once it gets dark. Plus the new series of Vera starts tonight.”

“Hang on,” interjected a third monk. “Did you say ‘tea room’?”

“That’s right,” Roger replied.

“Sorry, mate. You’ve got the wrong abbey. This is Greyfriars. The legendary afternoon tea is served at Whitefriars.”

Marion felt the delicious prospect of lemon drizzle cake slipping from her grasp.

“Bloody Sat Nav!” she bellowed in frustration.

This piece was previously published by Fictionette

Essex-born and Glasgow-based, Vicky Heath is a Pushcart Prize-nominated writer of little stories featuring elements of comedy, crime and romance. Her work has appeared in various online and print publications, including Fictionette, FlashFlood, KissMet Quarterly, Micromance Magazine, Paragraph Planet, Scotland’s Stories, and The Sunday Post P.S. magazine. In 2024, her short story Side Hustle was selected as a finalist in the inaugural Granite Noir crime writing competition. Vicky has also made the top ten in the Sunday Post short story competition with genre smash Not Your Average Saturday Night At The Movies.
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