Dan Weaver

Listen to Dan’s story read by Mathew Gostelow:

Hey y’all it’s that time again time for my year in review! So many exciting things happened this year and I can’t wait to share them all with you it’s hard to even know where to begin! For one I got my septic done in March and that was important since I didn’t know where the septic was but the guy showed me the guy he knew since it is his job. The guy owned the company the septic company. The guy was a discount septic company and he dug hole after hole until he hit a septic tank that was mine he was really determined and that’s why he has a company and that’s why I paid him more than one hundred dollars. I’m not going to dig a shit ton of holes haha shit ton but I’m not going to dig a shit ton of holes just to find my septic tank it’s why you call a pro. This guy was a real pro he showed up and there was his company’s name on the side of his truck and the truck was towing kind of like a plastic tank on a trailer and only a little bit of septic was sloshing around in it from maybe another job. Plus it looked like his little kid was wearing her seatbelt in the front seat of the truck so right there you know the guy cares about safety at the workplace. He parked right on my lawn just so he wouldn’t block me in by parking behind me in the driveway that would be unprofessional if I needed to leave and also would cause a delay in finding and emptying the septic since he’d have to move his truck and that would cost more money so again thinking of me the consumer. He had all kinds of shovels to dig holes all kinds! He just got right to digging too. By the time I noticed he was there he had dug probably seventeen holes all over even some in the garden even some in the flowers what a thorough professional. June rolled around and the guy and I got to talking about how you know just even a few years back the septic game in town was a different ballgame and the septic game in town now it’s a whole new ballgame and it’s mostly because of the houses that are newer and didn’t exist back before and luckily my house was around then since it’s not as new so it’s easier to get to the tank and perform the duties. He needed to take a break for lunch but he wasn’t going to pull any shenanigans he just ate a real quick sandwich inside and barbecued some wings for his little kid and then got right back to digging after a quick shower. And then when he found the tank he said eureka and hooked up a huge tube that hooked up to his tank behind his truck and he screamed to his little kid it was go time and the little kid unbuckled and jumped out and flipped a lever by the tank and it became violently loud and the tube shimmied and the ground trembled before it all became still and then my shit blasted into and mixed with the existing septic slosh. By that time it was November and the guy said he’d need to rest and stay for a while but he wouldn’t bother nobody. And now it’s almost the new year and I won’t have to get my septic done for another few years he said and then he clogged my toilet and said I should call a plumber and the little kid his little kid honked the horn three times for them to leave.

Dan Weaver writes in Vermont, USA. He is on Bluesky @supernaturalfeat.com. More of his work can be found at supernaturalfeat.com.

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