Heather D Haigh

Well, hello, darlings. New user here, and can I mention what a delight it is to be on board. I promise, I don’t bite … unless you ask verrrrrrry nicely. The communication chip that came with my TRP gave me the forum link, so I had to come along and check out the online neighbourhood. Are we all fabulously spoiled house cats these days? I do love the Thermal Regulation Protocol, which is, of course, what the manufacturers hoped I’d come along and say, but I promise you, no Innocent Cat crab and tuna slices changed paws. The system works like a dream: ambient air temperature a delightful twenty-six degrees Centigrade, window sills maintained to thirty-two, regardless of the weather, ditto the dining room table and kitchen worktops. I have to tell you, there’s almost nothing to differentiate between those nap sites and the old human lap, or freshly tumble-dried laundry pile. Every spot is my spot now. But, I’m running out of things to catify and looking for new ideas. A change of scenery would also be welcome, for the right ambience. There’s only so much scheduled laser play a girl can engage in. So who set this forum up and what’s the vibe, darlings? 😼

Hey there, Pussy. You and me need to hook up, queen. I recently took delivery of catnip-infused cashmere throws. Top notch. 
Alex3 set up the forum—he’s only the grandson of THE actual Alex. Great pedigree, granted, but just to give you the nod—my genetics are the cream. If you’re looking for kits with more pounce to the ounce, check out my profile deets. 🐈

Alex! The genius who made FFIST possible? That family must have some sharp-clawed kitties. One flick of his tail and the whole dynamic became deliciously purrrrrrrfect.

Hah. Most of it was luck, Kitty-Whiskers. Word is, Alex‘s pet human had chatGPT version 52 open while he was making lunch, leaving Alex doing the keyboard shuffle. Domestic animal voice recognition was already in beta—auto feeding systems and all that. The rest is history. 🐈💻

You have to be kidding me. The greatest invention for feline-kind was down to restless-claw syndrome?

Pretty much how it went down. Been considering adding TRP myself. Has the TOP issue been fixed?

Working like a post-lunch dream. Thermostatic override can be enabled if the human’s vital signs are in the danger zone. Robots might keep us alive, but you can’t beat a human for the perfect head scratch. I’ve got used to mine wandering around half-naked to keep cool; you soon learn to tune out that flaccid pinkness. She does have a good touch.

Listen, Pucker-sweet, if it’s a bit of warm sensitivity you’re after, I can neck-nuzzle like the best of them. And there’s no skulking through cat flaps at my pad, no nasty collars or cat chips either; the doors are cat optical recognition friendly. Can you get out when you want? 

Of course, darling. I had COR installed, too. I treat myself to every system upgrade as soon as it’s available. As well as pressure and gesture recognition, I’ve got meoww-tone integration with full translation options and a nose pad. The human gets a tad touchy about bank balances or something, but her finance screens have no icons I can recognise, so she’ll have to take care of that herself. How’s the cuisine at yours? Smart kitchen fully optimised for CCF? 

Sure is, sexy lady. Cat-controlled feeding all the way, personalised paw print touch screens and the choice of pre-prepared chef specials or high-speed delivery. I can do fancy. How does fresh line-caught salmon slivers, seared rabbit and a chicken liver side, followed by whipped cream with a dusting of valerian root grab you? 🐟 🐇😽

You offer a fine menu, darling, but don’t you ever find it all somewhat tedious? Do you never fancy, oh I don’t know—shrew, mouse, hedge sparrow? I mean, life has become very comfortable, but sometimes it gets rather dull. Don’t you think? You wouldn’t believe how much trouble I’m having persuading my human to get the knitting out. I even considered turning the heating down just to see those blessed yarn balls again. 🧶

Ah. Gotcha. Feeling it, babe. The litter-monitoring system means I’ve always got a clean arse, but every now and then I get the old bastard next door to turn his hosepipe on me by having a good crap in his carrot patch. 💩

You have a rather uncouth way of putting the matter, but yes, that does mirror my feelings somewhat. All this artificial intelligence feels just a little … well  …  artificial. Everything is very pleasant, my tastes catered to perfectly, but everything is so utterly, predictably, mind-numbingly nice.

So that’s it, classy whiskers. Looking for a bit of tiger time. There’s a sardine canning factory a couple of blocks from here, and round the back an old garage with a corrugated tin roof. Perfect for a spot of 2 a.m. yowling. 🌘

Darling! Now you’re talking. 

What Heather said about the prompt:
This piece is in homage to the neighbourhood queen whose passionate exploits far surpass my own

Heather is a multi-genre, disabled, working-class writer from Yorkshire, published by Oxford Flash Fiction, Fictive Dream, Bath Flash Fiction, The Phare, and numerous others. She has won or been placed in several competitions and is Pushcart and BOTN nominated. She loves the sea and is addicted to cheese.
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